Can I relax into life? Can I trust that I’ll be Ok, that I’m looked after no matter what?
As I lie on the table in the office of the Rosen practicionar, I feel the presence of my dad. And I cry. I’ve been so angry. I thought I had lost his love, that he was gone forever. I thought I was alone.
I became hard, frozen inside. I clenched my teeth and kept on living, yet never trusting life, nor the gods that rule over everything.
I felt they were always disappointed and angry with me. I shrank from them in fear, at the same time feeling infuriated because they took things from me without caring for me or those I loved.
But now I feel so move love. And I’m surprised. My dad is close. He is not gone. I sense he is somewhere wonderful. Expanded, joyful, all knowing. He looks out for me.
I also feel my sister, deep in my heart.
Lastly I feel my mom. I feel her love, and I cry even more. I can sense her intent, her soft loving words that are not words at all, yet I understand her perfectly. There is forgiveness and understanding between us. She has let go of the sternness she carried while alive. Now there is only love. She apologizes and I feel free, I don’t feel tense towards her any longer. There’s only love.
The three of them are with me. The core of love that I rested in as a child, that I thought I had lost forever.
I keep crying, my breath deepens. I’m not sure how long I can stay in this love. It’s overwhelming, yet so wonderful. But I have to leave soon, go outside where people can see me. I’m not ready to cry in the open.
I get up. I feel a little dizzy, blood rushing through my body, into my face, leaving my cheeks flushes and my eyes bright.
Thank you. Thank you. I silently speak it to my family and feel waves of love wash over me. There’s still more tears, I feel I could keep crying for much longer. I’ve been burying my grief for so long.
When all is stripped away, there is only love.
Could it really be, that my family is with me still, that they are looking out for me, guiding me? I sense they are together. In my heart I hear a clear yes when I wonder if they’re with me. It’s wonderful, and I almost can’t believe it. I had thought they had moved on by now, forgotten about me completely.
As I sit down at my favorite cafe, ordering tea and a croissant, I reflect some more. I look at the chair opposite to mine and imagine my dad sitting there now. Instantly my heart breaks open. I see myself taking his hands in mine, and without saying anything, we just soak in the love between us. I want nothing more than to see him again, his smile, his humour. Our souls still feel linked.
I feel grateful. Hopeful. Perhaps things will be OK. I feel blessed by so much love, more pure since there is no ego now. Still I wish I could have them in front of me again, to talk to them, to touch them. It’s not the same, but it’s comforting to know that love does not die.
I had a bit of a decision to make in December. I wanted to visit family, which can be challenging as it brings up a lot of anxiety for me. Yet overriding my fear was a sense of love for family, and an eagerness to be around people (something pretty new to me.)
I also knew that it would be difficult to celebrate the Solstice the way I’d like to, with mantras, silence and prayer, while around family. Still I decided to go, because I wanted to.
My husband and I planned to at least get up and see the sunrise on Solstice morning, but we had been driving all day and the next morning we couldn’t get out of bed in time. It was also rainy and windy outside. But what surprised me was that I still felt something. Two years earlier, the first time I celebrated the winter solstice, I did it with a group of people, all eager to experience this mystical time of year. We did a ceremony at sunrise, and afterwards I remember feeling wonderful. When I looked around everything seemed more beautiful, bathed in a mystical, winter light.
This feeling came back to me as I lied in bed, and I felt so grateful. I thanked my divine mother for allowing me to feel that even though I hadn’t made the effort to greet the sunrise, and spend the morning in what I considered a spiritual way.
There was something inside of me that told me it was right to visit friends and family. It opened my heart a little, and helped me forget about myself. It also helped me deal with my anxiety in a better way since I didn’t have time to think about it, it just appeared and I was able to sit with it. I felt I was learning all the time. I felt I was learning how to love others, and I deeply wanted to know how I could let go of comparing myself to those around me, and be relaxed with who I am and where I am in life right now.
The sun is finally out, after weeks of rain. I find myself stopping what I’m doing, feeling a need to sit down and watch this mysterious glow on the trees, the grass, the white empty house next door.
Sundays feels like a slow day to me. Slow in a good way, a time to stop, relax, go within. Soak in beauty, get inspired. Pray. Ask for help as I plan my week.
Yesterday my husband and I saw a rainbow over the water. It was strong, made of brilliant colors. I did not want to stop looking at it.
I’m sitting here with my empty cup, the sweet ginger chai all gone. I hear my husband chewing his food as I write. There is a smell of butter and cheese. My eyes keep getting drawn to the tall fir trees on fire with sunlight.
The sun is slipping behind the mountains behind me. The shadows are growing longer.
For your Mother bore you, keeps life within you. She has given you her body, and none but she heals you. Happy is he who loves his Mother and lies quietly in her bosom. For your Mother loves you, even when you turn away from her. And how much more shall she love you, if you turn to her again? I tell you truly, very great is her love, greater than the greatest of mountains, deeper than the deepest seas.
~ The Essene Gospel of Peace
Sometimes words escape me. Sometimes I don’t know how to put words to how I feel about my divine mother, the goddess. It inspires me to read what others have to say about her. Who she is and why she disappeared from society, religion, our lives.
Below is a video about the goddess as well as a link to an article that inspires me deeply.