Archive of ‘Reflections’ category

Love does not Die

Guido Reni, Erzengel Gabriel - Reni / Archangel Gabriel - Guido Reni / L'Archange GabrielCan I relax into life? Can I trust that I’ll be Ok, that I’m looked after no matter what?

As I lie on the table in the office of the Rosen practicionar, I feel the presence of my dad. And I cry. I’ve been so angry. I thought I had lost his love, that he was gone forever. I thought I was alone.

I became hard, frozen inside. I clenched my teeth and kept on living, yet never trusting life, nor the gods that rule over everything.

I felt they were always disappointed and angry with me. I shrank from them in fear, at the same time feeling infuriated because they took things from me without caring for me or those I loved.

But now I feel so move love. And I’m surprised. My dad is close. He is not gone. I sense he is somewhere wonderful. Expanded, joyful, all knowing. He looks out for me.

I also feel my sister, deep in my heart.

Lastly I feel my mom. I feel her love, and I cry even more. I can sense her intent, her soft loving words that are not words at all, yet I understand her perfectly. There is forgiveness and understanding between us. She has let go of the sternness she carried while alive. Now there is only love. She apologizes and I feel free, I don’t feel tense towards her any longer. There’s only love.

The three of them are with me. The core of love that I rested in as a child, that I thought I had lost forever.

I keep crying, my breath deepens. I’m not sure how long I can stay in this love. It’s overwhelming, yet so wonderful. But I have to leave soon, go outside where people can see me. I’m not ready to cry in the open.

I get up. I feel a little dizzy, blood rushing through my body, into my face, leaving my cheeks flushes and my eyes bright.

Thank you. Thank you. I silently speak it to my family and feel waves of love wash over me. There’s still more tears, I feel I could keep crying for much longer. I’ve been burying my grief for so long.

When all is stripped away, there is only love.

Could it really be, that my family is with me still, that they are looking out for me, guiding me? I sense they are together. In my heart I hear a clear yes when I wonder if they’re with me. It’s wonderful, and I almost can’t believe it. I had thought they had moved on by now, forgotten about me completely.

As I sit down at my favorite cafe, ordering tea and a croissant, I reflect some more. I look at the chair opposite to mine and imagine my dad sitting there now. Instantly my heart breaks open. I see myself taking his hands in mine, and without saying anything, we just soak in the love between us. I want nothing more than to see him again, his smile, his humour. Our souls still feel linked.

I feel grateful. Hopeful. Perhaps things will be OK. I feel blessed by so much love, more pure since there is no ego now. Still I wish I could have them in front of me again, to talk to them, to touch them. It’s not the same, but it’s comforting to know that love does not die.

 

 

Sunday Reflections

773px_Louis_Janmot___Po_me_de_l_me_11___VirginitasThe sun is finally out, after weeks of rain. I find myself stopping what I’m doing, feeling a need to sit  down and watch this mysterious glow on the trees, the grass, the white empty house next door.

Sundays feels like a slow day to me. Slow in a good way, a time to stop, relax, go within. Soak in beauty, get inspired. Pray. Ask for help as I plan my week.

Yesterday my husband and I saw a rainbow over the water. It was strong, made of brilliant colors. I did not want to stop looking at it.

I’m sitting here with my empty cup, the sweet ginger chai all gone. I hear my husband chewing his food as I write. There is a smell of butter and cheese. My eyes keep getting drawn to the tall fir trees on fire with sunlight.

The sun is slipping behind the mountains behind me. The shadows are growing longer.

 

This song spoke to me today.

 

 

If I were a Priestess

776px_Louis_Janmot___Po_me_de_l_me_14___Sur_la_MontagneIf I were to live like a priestess, what would my day look like?

When I think of ancient times, I dream of living in a temple.

I imagine a temple of white stone, and women in robes. Nature is close, a lake, a forest with little streams.

And the most important thing is to live in veneration of the Goddess. Everything is done to be closer to the Divine Mother, to be in her love and to feel her guidance.

When I practice awareness, I inspire myself by pretending to be a priestess. I try to remember to feel the Goddess in everything I do. Every movement, every step is a prayer in itself.

But there is more

  • A priestess honors nature, is in touch with the elements, with the wind and rain. She looks to the stars for teachings, she’s in touch with the universe.
  • A priestess is a healer. She listens to others. She helps them. She uses herbs and crystals, and beautiful fragrances of incense and oils.
  • She is a warrior. A shield maiden, defender of good, what’s right and beautiful.
  • The Goddess is at the center of her life, her heart. The Goddess is the one who brings the ultimate healing. She is the healer of the heart.

 

 

Morning

calinerie-largeShe’s sitting inside by candlelight. Outside the world is covered in mist. Everything is silent. Still. There is only the steady hum from the fridge, a car passing by now and then. The world is waking up. Slowly, then faster.

She feels tired yet is unwilling to go back to sleep. The day has already begun and she don’t want to miss out on anything.

A fly sits on the window. A pink candle is burning next to her, its flame almost unmoving. She feels hungry. Soon she’ll make breakfast.

As I sit by the lake

564163_493863124022370_1515179141_nI’m sitting on a large flat rock by the water. It’s windy and I feel cold, though the sun still has some warmth in it. I should have brought my jacket.

The wind moves over the water and through my hair, making my skirt flap around my ankles.

The water is alive, singing, bubbling with noise. Small waves hitting the stony shore. I love the sound. It calms something within me, and brings me out of my little box of thoughts and worries.

The wind is increasing. I look up at the lake. Dark blue waters are  glittering silver in the sunlight. I know it’s pitch black beneath the surface.

I feel a little nervous. Is what I write good enough?

I turn my head towards the sky. A beautiful blue sky with dots of white clouds, some quite thin, like a streak of paint.

I had a cold yesterday. I know I shouldn’t be outside without a jacket. But the sun made it seem so warm. I forgot about the wind.

I feel autumn in the air, though summer is still holding on. The struggle between the two fascinates me. There is something about autumn that makes me want to write.

I see a plane way up in the sky. I can’t even hear it. It leaves a long white line behind it, breaking up the blue.

I hear cars on the road behind me. A rush of noise followed by a slow silence.

My feet are bare against the warm stone. I feel it’s time to go.

 

Evening reflections

604162_493610794021461_1203230310_nThe last days of summer. The light is turning golden, a new chill in the air.

I’m sitting on the my jacket, my bare feet touching the ground. A soft breeze makes the grass move, sway gently. The trees around me whisper something.

My feet tingle, like they always do when they’re naked against the earth. I feel a little thirsty, but I don’t want to move.

A small spider wiggles on a strand of grass, then stops. I wish it would leave. It’s ugly, a pale yellow brown with long, disgusting feet. It wriggles closer. I tense, move my legs slightly, but I’m still unwilling to get up.

I use my pen to make it flying, and end up losing the cap. The spider disappear. I have no idea where it is now. I think I made things worse.

I’m sitting in someone else’s back yard. The old house looks empty. I don’t think the old lady who owns it is here right now. She only visits during the summer. She has roses. As I passed them the air was filled with their scent. I wish I could take their sweetness with me into winter.

I feel worried. Worried that time is passing. Worried that I’m not doing enough, or doing them well enough.

I feel tense. I want to told onto time, control it. I’m not sure how to flow with life.

There is a bird in the bush next to me. Another answers from the forest behind me. The shadows are growing longer. Everything is so beautiful.

My mind wanders. Worries again. Have I done enough? Should I be doing something else right now?

I dreamt about dying last night. I really hope I go somewhere nice when I die.

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