I saw the stars and the wind and the black night, the vast empty space above me. Or maybe it was full of something, beings looking back at me. I always think this, and it frightens me a little.
Once while playing outside our cabin in the mountains, I looked up into the night sky and saw a star dancing to itself. It went back and forth and in circles. It seemed bigger than the others, and I watched it for a while, my heart racing. Then I ran inside, frightened by what I had seen, by the darkness and great mysterious things, the deep unknown.
My dad said he once went for a long hike with friends into the mountains, staying over at a cabin. There was nothing there, only nature, only rocks and trees, and he sat outside and saw a great light appearing in the middle of the sky. It shone for a while before disappearing. Then a little later it appeared in the same spot, deep in the night, shining like a lamp.
When I was little I pretended that aliens were watching me, playing with the thought of what they might think when they saw me do things, like putting on shoes. Perhaps they thought me, and all humans very strange. I must have picked this up from a story I read, but aliens was on my mind from a very young age.
Everything mysterious was close by. I was convinced there was a witch outside my window looking in, and it terrified me. I was sure ghosts could come through my wall at any time during the night, and I put my stuffed animals along the crack between my wall and bed as protection.
During the long autumn nights I would play outside a lot, usually alone. I would rake leaves, just for fun, not sure why, perhaps I had seen this on tv as well. Sometimes I’d see hedgehogs, or I’d collect rocks. Most of the time I’d watch the sky, and how black the night was, how bright and shining the stars were, so far away. I felt a mixture of awe and fear looking at them. I was drawn to those tiny pinpricks of light, and I didn’t want to wander too far off into the dark, always staying close to the house, to the warm glow of the windows.
I felt the stars was a way to communicate with something greater, with God. I’d pray to him while watching them from my bed at night, somehow feeling that a clear sky brought Him closer.
Sometimes though, I imagined gods, not just one God looking down at me, and I wanted to please them. I’d lie on my back at night, on the frozen ground and speak to these gods, asking for help for my mother who was sick with cancer. I’m not sure why I felt so much like praying. My family was not religious.
I guess I feel very small looking at the stars, afraid of what I might see, and yet hoping for something mysterious, something telling me we’re not alone. I wonder if aliens are out there, looking out for us. I believe this now, because there are so many people talking about it, about them helping us
I had a lucid dream once that made me see ETs in a different way, as beings full of love, and this dream stays with me now as I look into the sky, wondering if they’re out there, if we’re somehow connected.