Stop. Let me love you.

Grimm’s Fairy Tales illustrated by Daniela Drescher

Sometimes, or often I wake up full of fear. And I resist the daylight outside my window. I want to curl up and hide. But then it gets easier, as I take the first few steps into the morning, drink my tea, say hello to the white sky above the treetops.

I write for a bit, slowly, painfully, and then with joy. Usually. My writing helps me tremendously, to think, to feel, to connect with something outside myself, and deep within. To unseen things around me. And I’m not sure where this pain comes from, when there is nothing wrong, really. I just always seem to be wading through it in some way or another.

And I’m very happy too. I guess I’m a mix of things.

The other night I couldn’t sleep, and there was a bright, star with a red heart, outside my window, above the housetops. I watched it for a while. I think stars can speak to us, that they have a voice, a memory we share with them.

Once I felt inside of me, almost like a voice asking “Why do you run? Why won’t you stop and let me love you.” And I felt I was always running. So afraid to stop and let myself feel. So sure there wouldn’t be anything there anyway, least of all love.

I went for a walk yesterday and tried to feel the Goddess walking with me. I came to a snow lit field with white mists coming down from the mountains as the sun was setting. I felt it whisper sleep, rest, and I turned around, walked back. There is a lovely river next to where I live, looking almost black against the snow. I stood on a bridge for a moment, gazing down into it, the last of the sunlight glittering against its surface. 

February is almost here. More light. Spring drawing closer. Are you enjoying winter? Summer? 

5 Comments on Stop. Let me love you.

  1. sarah
    January 31, 2017 at 5:13 pm (2 years ago)

    Beautiful. I too think the stars speak with us. We are in deep midsummer here and I am longing for autumn.
    sarah recently posted…between war and dreamingMy Profile

    • Anne Linn
      February 1, 2017 at 9:41 am (2 years ago)

      Always nice seeing your comments sarah. Wishing you cool autumn rains soon 🙂

  2. Laura
    February 6, 2017 at 3:34 pm (2 years ago)

    Your post title is so beautiful 🙂

    I can relate to a lot of this. The fear, dread of the day in the morning, or even on the evening of the previous day. For me it is connected to the thought of everything I think I have to do that day, how much I’m behind in those things, and it all seems overwhelming. But do I want to live, fearing my life…

    There was a time, many years ago, when I was a little sick and exhausted and a little bad in every way. I remember moments where whatever I thought, even if it was something small and not scary, like going to the supermarket, I would feel this black dread and heaviness hit my solar plexus. Almost like any thought that was going in any direction would bring this blackness. Well, I’m better now 🙂 but it’s interesting to see that when I feel that dread now, it is like a shadow of that blackness, the two are the same, just less in intensity now.

    I love that writing makes you feel happier, more connected, more relaxed. I love what you felt was said to you, stop and let me love you. Recently I’ve tried to stop running and making myself distracted, but I’ve tried to just focus on one thing, or if there is no thing, sit in silence. At first I was quite aware of the pain and of the craving to run away, then after some days it became a little mechanical and I was just lost in whatever thoughts in those moments… But I can see there is this craving for numbing the pain. But if I numb it, I will never find out what it is and where it comes from. But I’ve tried to lessen the amounts of distractions in my day in general. As little as social media and the usual numbing places, as possible. There is something beautiful in exploring the pain and facing it, going deeper into understanding it, facing the rawness of yourself that has always been there for so long, in the attempt to now overcome and transcend it.

    I am listening to this. There is something powerful, a longing, something calming about it.
    Laura recently posted…On Being a WifeMy Profile

  3. tori
    February 8, 2017 at 10:39 pm (2 years ago)

    The stars have so many things to tell us if we would just take the time to listen. <3 This was a beautiful post, and I am glad that I found your blog. I am in the process of reading your book Whispers of the Goddess, and thus far it is just lovely.

    My mornings are similar to yours–I always find myself hiding under my blankets, fighting against the day, but after a bit of movement and tea and writing, I find that my mind and heart are brightening with every minute. Suffering from chronic depression, I often feel that I am a walking contradiction because I am always standing ankle deep in dark and cold water, but at the same time, I can feel the warmth of the sun.

    • Anne Linn
      February 24, 2017 at 5:40 pm (2 years ago)

      Oh what a lovely comment, thank you. Sorry I did not see it before now. I loved what you said, about the dark and cold, but also feeling the sun. I think I feel similar to that. I struggle with a constant uneasiness, anxiety, maybe even a bit of depression, but I also think life is so very beautiful.


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