Waiting for Morning

In the Meadow, by Auguste Renoir.

In the Meadow, by Auguste Renoir.

Something I wrote the other day…

Some days feel all wrong like the world is out to get you and nothing goes right. You ache and feel exhausted for no reason at all, and yesterday I gave up, went to bed early and curled up, glancing at a star outside my window, between the branches of the pine tree. I didn’t even try to pretend anymore but went to sleep explaining things to my Divine Mother, speaking to her in my mind, just pouring out my anger, my worries, my pain.

My dreams were a mess, chaotic. But I felt I was going on a journey in them, and I woke up feeling healed, if only a little bit. The sun was already on the mountain, and I made myself a cup of tea and sat by the window, thinking about the morning, how it makes things brighter, not so heavy and dark. Sometimes we just need to wait for morning.

Later

There are signs of spring everywhere, budding leaves and white flowers, orange butterflies. I can get lost in beauty, the longer I stay in a spot in the forest, the more it comes into focus, the more I see, and the longer I want to stay, curled up on green moss.

I sat on the ground among light and tree shadows, having gone for a long walk, wanting to feel the earth in me, to get out of my head, into my body, my heart. The world is being filled with sound and music, after a long silent winter, and I saw those grey and white birds, that make me laugh, because they seem a bit confused, running around in circles on the road, back and forth, not sure what to do with themselves. I love them, and I’m so glad they’re back. The English name for it is apparently white wagtail. 

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to be a priestess, especially now since I’m writing a novel about one. What would it be like to carry the Goddess in my heart, to go about my day, doing my tasks in her honor?

In the evenings I’ve been standing by the window, drinking a cup of rose tea, looking at the sun setting behind the mountains, above the lake. Everything glitters and the sky is bright, clouds tinted with gold, and I breathe deeply and thank the day for what it was, even if it was difficult. 

Do you feel the change of seasons where you are?

1 Comment on Waiting for Morning

  1. Laura
    April 14, 2016 at 3:28 pm (3 years ago)

    I know that feeling of just letting it all go and stopping trying to be what you are not and doing what you cannot, and falling to the feet of the Divine (sometimes I have an image of myself clutching the Divine Mother’s skirt…) What you wrote makes me want to do the same, to confess it all, to be truthful to the bone, because sincerity helps me come closer to my heart, or maybe realize what is there. Sometimes I like to think it’s ‘brutal’ sincerity hehe.

    I have also noticed that the more time I spend in the forest or on a walk the more clearly I start to see and sense things, then comparing it to the beginning of the walk I can see how cloudy headed I had been. It would be beautiful to learn to keep the connection open for more time and in places where it isn’t my sole focus.

    Just now I am hearing the most wonderful bird singing in the trees nearby. It is one thing that I would call heavenly. It is getting very bright green here and some flowers are already fading… a little unsettling for a Nordic person 😮 I enjoyed looking at the different shades of green when we were traveling on the weekend. I want to take the spring in fully and not just be waiting for things to come. Thanks for your beautiful writing once again, it always inspires me 🙂

    Reply

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